Ian McEwan has been my favourite author ever since I was 16 years old and I was gripped by his nauseating but intoxicating novel ‘The Cement Garden’, I’ve even centred my dissertation on his works. There are so many things I adore about this man’s writing and I could go on for pages but for the purpose of this blog I need only and will only mention one and that is the way in which he can pinpoint exactly something you’ve felt for years and never had the words to describe or never realised you knew, whether complicated or simple. A line from Alan Bennett’s ‘The History Boys’ can most appropriately summarise the feeling of peace that can be derived from this kind of experience:
‘The best moments in reading are when you come across something - a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things - that you'd thought special, particular to you and here it is set down by someone else [...] And it's as if a hand has come out and taken yours.’
That is exactly how I felt when I came across the simple statement, quoted in the title of this entry, in McEwan’s novel ‘On Chesil Beach’. I know it’s not a huge epiphany, in fact it’s pretty obvious and I’ve had similar feelings a million times before but there was something about it that managed to organise my thoughts. I don’t know whether it was the context or whether the strain I’m feeling concerning what I’m going to do after graduation and the feeling of wanting to bury my head in the sand as a result means even the simplest words of wisdom are a comfort but it was like oxygen after holding your breath for a very long time.
I can’t just sit about and wait for the perfect option or strategy to fall into my lap, I’ve always known this but recently my situation has felt more and more akin to being stuck in quick sand: the more I struggle against it, the faster I sink whereas if I stay still I’ll be able to keep my head above the surface long enough for something to leap out and save me. I suppose paradoxically however, that’s what this unsophisticated insight has done. I’m feeling more proactive than ever and I’m going to swim for my life.
I believe it was James Baldwin who said (and I paraphrase badly): "I used to think my troubles were unique, until I started reading, and learned that everyone has my troubles." I think a lot of us are going through what you're feeling. That's not to take away from your experience! It's just I think it's one that's shared by a lot of people. I was talking to my friend the other day about how our generation has nothing that defines or drives us the way our parents and grandparents did. We have more and know more than any generation that ever preceded us, but it doesn't change the fact that it's a lot easier to be driven when you're at the wheel of a car!
ReplyDeleteXOXO, Kenneth